I slept just down on a pipe, and now my heart and lungs at my heart and cartilage hurt when I breathe. Very strange injury to give myself. Yay, Moving towards my destiny. As we all are moving towards our Destiny by definition. Access to the inner Shaman. I had wanted my brother to be my family Shaman and I wanted my brother to be my families parent because my parents were not mature enough to be parents or spouses despite being old enough. Then my 20 year old brother got murdered when I was 17 so him being the parent mature one and our Shaman and Guru was not destiny. My parents would never accept him as our guru anyway because they thought they were his parents And we all should be turning to them for guidance not them turning to my brother for guidance. My sister and I would have accepted my brother as our guru. With my brother dead I realized that I was now the next most eligible and the family to be the parent and the shaman. I did not want that responsibility, and I never tried to parent or guru my sister who was older than me. My mom had been coming to me for advice for years even before I reached puberty. Later, my wife got a bit annoyed because my wife thought that my mother and I were too immeshed and that a son should not be his mother’s primary confidant. 17-year-old me had another issue to deal with before I could consider trying to take on the role of family parent and Shaman. It is perfectly natural for a boy to imitate his father and older brother, but it is not perfectly natural for a boy to realize what he’s doing. So I discovered that I was imitating my father and brother, because my brother was gone. Now I could’ve done well with a spouse and career if I could have been emotionally stable, and I probably would’ve been emotionally stable if my brother had not died. Taking a look between my father and brother was not a bad move for a boy who doesn’t have to know what he’s doing. I had a bad reaction to catching myself being fake. I thought imitation was fake. Imitation is not fake. 90% of what humans do is imitation and these imitators don’t even know that they are imitating, even though they don’t have the excuse of being teenagers. I thought that being a imitator and fake meant that I was meaningless. I wonder if a psychologist could have helped 17 year old me. If I was really going to be the parent of the family and Salman and the family, I probably should’ve gotten all 4 of us psychologists after my brother was murdered but we had nobody immature enough to be the parent or Shaman. My mom psychiatrist should have known that we needed help and that to help my mother he also had to help us. My mom’s psychiatrist should have made sure we all had a psychologist but he didn’t. I don’t know if psychologists are trained to deal with spiritual crisis. Discovering that I was fake which was true but normal led to feeling meaningless or White is feeling meaninglessly lead to depression? I attempted suicide at 17 which would’ve wrecked my family even more had I succeeded. I think that I had a hardwired self-destruct mechanism telling me that if I ever felt meaningless, I must kill myself and I think the point was that if I’m meaningless I’m free and if I’m free, I might harm people because culture which is about imitation should not be damaged by free radicals, like a mini mess free people. A cultural immune system wanted to take me out of society because I was a danger because I was free. I was only free because I discovered I was fake it’s only happened because my brother died. I did not want to be the Shaman; I had always assumed that that was my brother’s job, and my sister agreed with me. Later on, I accepted being my own Shaman, but I was subtle about trying to be the Shaman for anybody else in my family because that would have created equal problems for me to claim to be something that they couldn’t be. When I went to India and was with my guru Osho for the ranch and Pune 2 decade I had a feeling that my sister thought I was taking on a role that she should’ve inherited from my brother. My sister had a guru from India but my sister was not as serious in her efforts to transform as I was in my opinion. She may disagree. I don’t like it that me and my sister compete over who is the better shaman. I don’t like that I even have a spiritual ego. As long as I have a have a spiritual ego, I’m a little unclean, drinking water, from a polluted well in India. If you can’t find any better water, then you must drink from that polluted well. But try to find clean water because I’m dirty and have amoebic parasites that might make you sick. All right, so I think I’m going manifest but I think I still need to do some more work on my ego. I should start thinking about what techniques I want to use. What I did with my adorable wife, when I took care of her as she abused me should have been some pretty good Karmic yoga for ego dissolution but I still have an ego. My one hour kundalini awakening satori showed me that if I awaken kundalini I’m probably going to live in a state of no self and bliss Because that’s what I felt for an hour. Does that feeling of no self and Bliss last or does it fade. I’m not sure that I could have an ego with that no self feeling. Right now I still think I exist kind of. Now I am annoyed at my ego because I think my ego should be gone already. What are you still doing here ego? Did you ever do anything for me ego? Or was everything always about you? Fine I don’t think I will stay stuck in this. What the hell am I doing here if I am not breaking barriers? I am not healthy. I might as well get sick and die now so I can be with my wife on her schedule in our next life But coming back with an awakened kundalini might be nice for my wife and nice for me and nice for whatever ashram I am part of next life. I’m spelling the fucking spiritual ego dream again. The idea of being nice for the ice room and part of next life is too close to my ego dreams. Selfless service. If the service is not selfless it isn’t really service in the sense of spiritual service even if people are helped. My guru Osho used to Criticize Mother Teresa, and accuse her of having an ego, and not really being what she pretended to be but others were impressed by her in Christian circles. Now, how is a psychologist who knows nothing of yoga supposed to help somebody like a 17 year old version of me. The psychologist knows nothing, and is probably still imitation himself, and doesn’t even know it, even though he’s trained. This guy who has not experienced what I have experienced is supposed to help me get over being meaningless? If I see 17 year old me, I know the answer. You are free now kid, celebrate, it is time for your spiritual voyage to begin, and your brother has given his life to you to enable your spiritual journey to begin now. And don’t worry about truth kid because you only get the truth at the very end. I wanted the truth but I don’t yet have the facility in my mind to handle the truth I think. Yah when you’re dealing with meaningless, truth might help but you won’t get truth so take freedom instead. Truth only comes at the end, and even then it’s very difficult to speak about, and that I can say while only experiencing partial truth. When I was 17 years old, I probably could’ve found a better book in the library then than Descartes. We had a good library in our town and surely Eastern religion and Yoga books were there somewhere. I should’ve have read sex education too. I had sex with a few women without ever, knowing that clitorises existed and I do not think that was good. The women were not going to tell me that they had clitoresns. Why was I am more scared to talk about sex then to actually have sex? Sex was nice but if I never have sex again, this life or any other life, that’s OK because I have experienced bliss which means I have know something as nice as sex, that is not sex. My sister apparently took her job at my Shaman seriously because even though she was never told of my suicide attempt she did bring me medicine in the form of 2 grateful dead tickets and about four hits of blotter LSD. So me, and a friend I took experienced a new religion, the deadhead religion. It was good medicine because grateful dead plus LSD can also be as ecstatic as sex. Of course, Jerry Garcia is dead now; everybody’s dying; but while the base player Phil still lives the grateful dead magic is not over. My sister Linda gave me the right medicine. When Linda and I are dead, which will be soon my father’s 4 grandparents will have no living descendants left. I do not like this. I wish I had children. But wanting to have descendants also smells, suspiciously like ego. Universe does not really need me so I’m free. There will not be a nuclear war if my soul disappears. Bing needed also smells like ego. Being needed is not the goal of selfless service. “Being needed” implies things that aren’t true. We like being needed, but if we are needed, we are not free. If we are not free, and are not happy doing selfless service then we will eventually reject being needed even though our egos love being needed. Love K
17 years old in 1977 so 47 years wanting, god, truth and transformation how much longer until I reach the front of the line? What is the hold up? What have I done wrong? If they say 1000 more lives for me I will not be pleased.
Sun moon rising, but you did not say conjectsions. I am guessing my Mars conjunct Mercury and Venus, Venus square a Saturn, Mars sextile Jupiter would be a strong aspect as strong as my moon conjunct Ascendent but maybe I am wrong.
I slept just down on a pipe, and now my heart and lungs at my heart and cartilage hurt when I breathe. Very strange injury to give myself.
Yay, Moving towards my destiny. As we all are moving towards our Destiny by definition.
Access to the inner Shaman. I had wanted my brother to be my family Shaman and I wanted my brother to be my families parent because my parents were not mature enough to be parents or spouses despite being old enough. Then my 20 year old brother got murdered when I was 17 so him being the parent mature one and our Shaman and Guru was not destiny. My parents would never accept him as our guru anyway because they thought they were his parents And we all should be turning to them for guidance not them turning to my brother for guidance. My sister and I would have accepted my brother as our guru.
With my brother dead I realized that I was now the next most eligible and the family to be the parent and the shaman. I did not want that responsibility, and I never tried to parent or guru my sister who was older than me.
My mom had been coming to me for advice for years even before I reached puberty. Later, my wife got a bit annoyed because my wife thought that my mother and I were too immeshed and that a son should not be his mother’s primary confidant.
17-year-old me had another issue to deal with before I could consider trying to take on the role of family parent and Shaman.
It is perfectly natural for a boy to imitate his father and older brother, but it is not perfectly natural for a boy to realize what he’s doing. So I discovered that I was imitating my father and brother, because my brother was gone. Now I could’ve done well with a spouse and career if I could have been emotionally stable, and I probably would’ve been emotionally stable if my brother had not died. Taking a look between my father and brother was not a bad move for a boy who doesn’t have to know what he’s doing.
I had a bad reaction to catching myself being fake. I thought imitation was fake. Imitation is not fake. 90% of what humans do is imitation and these imitators don’t even know that they are imitating, even though they don’t have the excuse of being teenagers.
I thought that being a imitator and fake meant that I was meaningless. I wonder if a psychologist could have helped 17 year old me. If I was really going to be the parent of the family and Salman and the family, I probably should’ve gotten all 4 of us psychologists after my brother was murdered but we had nobody immature enough to be the parent or Shaman. My mom psychiatrist should have known that we needed help and that to help my mother he also had to help us. My mom’s psychiatrist should have made sure we all had a psychologist but he didn’t.
I don’t know if psychologists are trained to deal with spiritual crisis.
Discovering that I was fake which was true but normal led to feeling meaningless or White is feeling meaninglessly lead to depression? I attempted suicide at 17 which would’ve wrecked my family even more had I succeeded. I think that I had a hardwired self-destruct mechanism telling me that if I ever felt meaningless, I must kill myself and I think the point was that if I’m meaningless I’m free and if I’m free, I might harm people because culture which is about imitation should not be damaged by free radicals, like a mini mess free people. A cultural immune system wanted to take me out of society because I was a danger because I was free. I was only free because I discovered I was fake it’s only happened because my brother died.
I did not want to be the Shaman; I had always assumed that that was my brother’s job, and my sister agreed with me. Later on, I accepted being my own Shaman, but I was subtle about trying to be the Shaman for anybody else in my family because that would have created equal problems for me to claim to be something that they couldn’t be.
When I went to India and was with my guru Osho for the ranch and Pune 2 decade I had a feeling that my sister thought I was taking on a role that she should’ve inherited from my brother. My sister had a guru from India but my sister was not as serious in her efforts to transform as I was in my opinion. She may disagree. I don’t like it that me and my sister compete over who is the better shaman. I don’t like that I even have a spiritual ego. As long as I have a have a spiritual ego, I’m a little unclean, drinking water, from a polluted well in India. If you can’t find any better water, then you must drink from that polluted well. But try to find clean water because I’m dirty and have amoebic parasites that might make you sick.
All right, so I think I’m going manifest but I think I still need to do some more work on my ego. I should start thinking about what techniques I want to use. What I did with my adorable wife, when I took care of her as she abused me should have been some pretty good Karmic yoga for ego dissolution but I still have an ego.
My one hour kundalini awakening satori showed me that if I awaken kundalini I’m probably going to live in a state of no self and bliss Because that’s what I felt for an hour. Does that feeling of no self and Bliss last or does it fade. I’m not sure that I could have an ego with that no self feeling. Right now I still think I exist kind of.
Now I am annoyed at my ego because I think my ego should be gone already.
What are you still doing here ego? Did you ever do anything for me ego? Or was everything always about you?
Fine I don’t think I will stay stuck in this. What the hell am I doing here if I am not breaking barriers? I am not healthy. I might as well get sick and die now so I can be with my wife on her schedule in our next life But coming back with an awakened kundalini might be nice for my wife and nice for me and nice for whatever ashram I am part of next life. I’m spelling the fucking spiritual ego dream again. The idea of being nice for the ice room and part of next life is too close to my ego dreams. Selfless service. If the service is not selfless it isn’t really service in the sense of spiritual service even if people are helped.
My guru Osho used to Criticize Mother Teresa, and accuse her of having an ego, and not really being what she pretended to be but others were impressed by her in Christian circles.
Now, how is a psychologist who knows nothing of yoga supposed to help somebody like a 17 year old version of me. The psychologist knows nothing, and is probably still imitation himself, and doesn’t even know it, even though he’s trained. This guy who has not experienced what I have experienced is supposed to help me get over being meaningless?
If I see 17 year old me, I know the answer. You are free now kid, celebrate, it is time for your spiritual voyage to begin, and your brother has given his life to you to enable your spiritual journey to begin now. And don’t worry about truth kid because you only get the truth at the very end. I wanted the truth but I don’t yet have the facility in my mind to handle the truth I think. Yah when you’re dealing with meaningless, truth might help but you won’t get truth so take freedom instead. Truth only comes at the end, and even then it’s very difficult to speak about, and that I can say while only experiencing partial truth.
When I was 17 years old, I probably could’ve found a better book in the library then than Descartes. We had a good library in our town and surely Eastern religion and Yoga books were there somewhere. I should’ve have read sex education too. I had sex with a few women without ever, knowing that clitorises existed and I do not think that was good. The women were not going to tell me that they had clitoresns. Why was I am more scared to talk about sex then to actually have sex?
Sex was nice but if I never have sex again, this life or any other life, that’s OK because I have experienced bliss which means I have know something as nice as sex, that is not sex.
My sister apparently took her job at my Shaman seriously because even though she was never told of my suicide attempt she did bring me medicine in the form of 2 grateful dead tickets and about four hits of blotter LSD. So me, and a friend I took experienced a new religion, the deadhead religion. It was good medicine because grateful dead plus LSD can also be as ecstatic as sex. Of course, Jerry Garcia is dead now; everybody’s dying; but while the base player Phil still lives the grateful dead magic is not over. My sister Linda gave me the right medicine.
When Linda and I are dead, which will be soon my father’s 4 grandparents will have no living descendants left. I do not like this. I wish I had children. But wanting to have descendants also smells, suspiciously like ego. Universe does not really need me so I’m free. There will not be a nuclear war if my soul disappears. Bing needed also smells like ego. Being needed is not the goal of selfless service. “Being needed” implies things that aren’t true. We like being needed, but if we are needed, we are not free. If we are not free, and are not happy doing selfless service then we will eventually reject being needed even though our egos love being needed.
Love
K
17 years old in 1977 so 47 years wanting, god, truth and transformation how much longer until I reach the front of the line? What is the hold up? What have I done wrong? If they say 1000 more lives for me I will not be pleased.
Sun moon rising, but you did not say conjectsions.
I am guessing my Mars conjunct Mercury and Venus, Venus square a Saturn, Mars sextile Jupiter would be a strong aspect as strong as my moon conjunct Ascendent but maybe I am wrong.
Anywhere you have Pisces in your chart works. 😊