Love language should not have in any way, shape, or form been a part of this conversation. I have never met anyone with the love language of gifts who was a narcissist in gift giving. I have met someone that gave gifts with an agenda and tried to manipulate me with them. As someone whose love language is gifts, I tossed every single one because they had no value whatsoever. He never tried to get to know me or what I would like. He didn't get gifts with me in mind.
Luckily for me my family all ride the line of minimalism. I enjoy that we can give gifts and appreciate each other with out it being the focus of a celebration. I think what's hard is when you have a significant other that gives gifts as a love language. It's a situation that brings forth unreasonable expectations, and pressure. They are anxious and excited, hoping that you will love what they got you. If it's not a well received gift, both people are left feeling bad.
I enjoy showing my affection through gifts, but I prefer when this happens outside of typical gift giving occasions. Someone's favourite chocolate bar, a trinket that reminded me of them or that I thought might be appreciated, or an item that I know they've been looking for. But I would never deliberately give someone something with the intention of hurting them. That's not a gift, it's an attack.
I love giving people gifts. It has come naturally to me ever since I was a child. I understand that in our society, things are so easy to come by, that we now buy everything we want. It makes me sad because I so enjoy thinking of something for someone that will make them feel special and known and loved. And if it is rejected, it can feel like they are rejecting that love. I know logically that isn't the intent, but it can feel that way. I give a little bit of myself with it. Now toxic gift giving is something different. And so is gift giving out of obligation. If we have everything we want, we no longer have anything to strive for and have left no room in our lives to let someone else have the joy of blessing us.
I am a person who's love language is gift giving and here's what I have to say. I am a child who loves showing that they care and remember the things that people like so when I see something that reminds me of them I get it. I hate receiving things, like even things I want. I think i'm wasting their money when I could buy it buy it for my self. When people try and pay me back I hate taking their money when it is what I got for them. I think that materialistic things capture so much in something we can see so it makes me happy.
I don't like getting expensive gifts. I got expensive gifts from my narcissistic mother to atone for her terrible behavior towards me. When someone gets me something expensive it makes me sick to my stomach because I feel they don't actually value me, they just want me to shut up and never ask them for anything I actually desire (quality time and physical touch.) Rarely do I want the thing that someone buys because it's not about me or knowing what I like. It's more about them and what they think I should be grateful for. It's frustrating because you end up feeling rude and ungrateful because you want them to return it and get their money back to use for something they need or want.
Exactly. It is 100% a love language. It sounds like these guys are just ignorant as to what the gift giving love language is. There is nothing narcissistic about me feeling loved by someone giving me a pretty rock that they found 😂 The example they gave is not at all what this love language is. It’s not about the money. A meaningful rock, for example, will mean 100x more to me than say, a diamond necklace. People really need to look into these things before so confidently arguing with them lol. It’s okay if gift giving isn’t their love language, but that doesn’t make it an invalid or narcissistic thing. The fact that they can’t seem to view gifts as anything but shallow proves that they don’t understand the concept, which means that they shouldn’t be “educating” people on it lol.
Thanks Josh and TK for giving my question some insight and helpful feedback! For those who have said in the comments things such as only those who don't have gifting as part of their love language would think this etc, to clarify or give context, my question was based around my experiences with an in law and how they've used gifting as a way to control, manipulate and demean. For example, when I first got with my husband, there was a lot of anger because I'd "stolen" their son and brother in their eyes. It eventually turned into a situation where I was not in much contact with them but once I was expecting my first child, I was being flooded with items and threatened with "grandparent rights". My living room was literally filled top to bottom with items one evening and later on a bead by numbers portrait that the person makes themselves with the beads was given to me (beaded hedgehogs on gigantic frame for the wall). Of course, if you receive something you don't like it's usually polite and more courteous to say thank you and just rehome it after but I knew the intent was mean spirited because she said while laughing how this pattern yeah not the prettiest but was the only one left on Wish, haha! And then wanting me to decorate my child's nursery with it. Then she later came over with a second one with a different pattern, equally as large as the first. Some of the items she came with included 2 car seats whose safety warranty had lapsed in 2010. Last Christmas she spent 1k on a personalised number plate for my husband with a name of her choice. Prior to that she insisted we go shopping with him and she took him to the underwear area to make him think she was only getting him underwear for Christmas but she prior joked how he wouldn't want to go underwear shopping with his mother. I feel there is often a lot of "love bombing" directed at my child in this space and competition in the sense that she wants to one up what mum and dad got and try and do better and give inappropriate things. Before becoming minamalist, I was always doing the "need want read Wear" type gift structure for my child anyway and now I'm focused more on experience gifting when gifting season comes round but the likes of relatives like these can very much undermine your efforts. I absolutely see the value in gifting intentional items of need or an experience and don't dismiss a gift given that adds value and comes from the heart, in fact I love that! And I always endeavor to give from the heart so it's very sad when people use gifts as a tool to manipulate and make others feel obligated or uncomfortable. Another example is when I was first dating my husband she got him a few hundred dollars worth of vouchers for his favorite shop and then laughed about how she just got his twin sister $20 worth of junk from the dollar store for Christmas. So, I don't mean to say I don't appreciate gifts or that I don't appreciate it's the thought that counts. I agree that it's the thought that counts for most normal people but that there are some people among us who use gifts as a power play.
And they EXPECT a huge return on their ‘gifts’ and never let you forget. Respond with ‘thank you for the offer but I cannot accept it your kind thoughts are all I require’ 🙄. Gifts are often done for control and manipulation.
no, most of us don't want stuff in general. I am a child who's love language is gift giving. I give gifts to show I remember and care about the things they like. When people try to give me stuff or pay me back I get sad because I think that they feel bad when is quiet the opposite, I see something and think of them. It makes me happy seeing them happy.
gift giving is a love language the gift is a symbol of your love towards someone, its another way of saying I was thinking about you when I picked this for you. also you have to know a lot about the other person when you give them an appropriate gift there is some actual thought behind the gift. even little kids will pick flowers and give them to there mothers, gift giving is a universal love langue the French gave the united states the statue of liberty, gift giving is a grate way to strengthen relationships. we like giving if we are choosing freely to give, we don't like being forced to give that's manipulating.
Never heard of this before, and yet have experienced for most of my life from a family member. Gifts that come with ties and obligations. Makes me cringe to even think of it.
As others have said, Gift Giving is 100% a love language. Love Bombing and Narcissistic Gift Manipulation are not. The way he described gift giving as a competition is NOT the love language of Gift Giving. Opting out of receiving a gift is acceptable no matter what form it comes in, and can be done respectfully.
Gift giving is a love language but it’s not a narcissistic thing of wanting expensive stuff. My best friend and I have the same love language so we do a “trade” of cool stuff we find like fruit or key chains every time we see each other.
In my family one year they talked about "drawing names". The catch being instead of buying many small gifts buy ONE $$$ gift instead. What they're saying is they want an expensive gift. I won't play these games.
Funny thing about that is if you talk to someone who truly has the love language of gifts, then they will tell you that a lot of little gifts mean a lot more than one expensive gift!
Gift giving is supposed to be to help others. Too many times we have been giving gifts out of manipulation and it is sickening. We have always been gift givers, but man it makes you think before taken a gift when there is a motive behind it. We won't accept gifts from new neighbors or coworkers because usually there has been a motive. Sad but true. Gifts are to lift others, but narcissistic giving is just plain gaggy. We won't take something unless we know someone well.
Well gift receiving is my love language. I was expressing my love language to my child and realized that their's was different than mine. I had to explain that that's the way I show and receive love. When they told me that their love language was quality time then I changed the way I expressed my love. The point of learning love languages is to enhance the expression of love that is alreay there between two people. When you love someone then you want them to be happy.
Me and my friends stopped giving gifts a few years ago and we just take each other out to eat for birthdays. I did have a family member use gift giving as a form of manipulation though and it was toxic.
I think the thought of getting someone a gift, if it's smth that's chosen because you knew they were looking for it/has wanted it for a while. I agree that it can get competitive tho, saying no to a narcissistic or spiteful gift is freeing :)
A gift can be a corporate gift or a gift of thanks or a gift of hand made is love for one another - it depends on what the message of the gift is as well - I prefer not to give gifts anymore as I would rather be taught what to buy - or buy what I love for myself and celebrate my achievements - CHEAP GIFTS - GET BINNED - SERIOUSLY FAKE CHANEL - GET STUFFED.
Again you tease us with Ryan's face on the header screen but he's not there!!😞 Though i notice you've had him do the end recording for the podcast which is a nice fresh change.
One minute in and I'm so upset I'm not sure I want to listen. I hate it when people who don't have the Love Language of Gifts try to pretend they know what they are talking about. It is NEVER about the thing. It is always about the symbol behind the gift. The thought that says "I think about you when you are not with me. I think about you when you are with me. I care enough about you to get to know you and what you love." If you don't understand that, then don't talk about love languages!
Can you understand how physical touch when unwanted does not feel loving? Getting gifts for some people does not feel good. Especially when someone who says they love you gets you something that you really dislike-you can be left wondering if how they view you so differently than you are. Do they really love who you are or a version of you that they have in thier mind. It can be really hurtful if you’ve asked someone to stop.
@@Kincaid2576You're equating that with "physical touch", so are you saying that physical touch is also not a love language? Love languages are supposed to be reciprocated. If their love language doesn't vibe with yours then it just wasn't meant to be. Stop trying to change people
My grandmother has done this for years. When I moved to a new apartment with my old furniture, she told me my things were “too cheap”. One day she asks me to come with her to a furniture store for her to buy things (for her house) and tricked me, buying about 3k worth of things. I kept begging her please don’t buy this I don’t need it, and was crying because I knew this was not a genuine act of love, and she’d be dangling it over my head. The sales lady looked so shocked-her mouth was wide open while she saw me crying and very visibly upset at checkout. She looks me up and down and says, “I wish my granny would buy me furniture!” And getting a commission, she obviously didn’t refuse when I begged the saleswoman not to sell the furniture to her. As they delivered the furniture, I even asked the men not to do it-and they said they couldn’t ship it elsewhere or they’d get fired. Fast forward several years and I’ve cut all communication with her, my mother, and other toxic (narcissistic) family members (I’m the scapegoat)-and as for the furniture? Most has been either given away, sold, or donated. Glad to see this topic being addressed. Honestly that was a repressed memory seeing the title brought it all back. If anyone can relate, I encourage you to know this is not love it’s narcissistic manipulation and you’ll be happier cutting ties with these kinds of people.
There is nothing simple about this in my case :( Was given an apartment by my narc. grandma and she does not let my mum (her daughter) and grandson (a person with special needs) use it, but when I said I don’t want to stay in it when I come and visit family cause it makes me feel bad she went into narc. rage and fake threatened to sell it.
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How do you handle family members who claim that their “love language” is gift-giving?
I handle myself quite kindly. Thank you.
Love language should not have in any way, shape, or form been a part of this conversation. I have never met anyone with the love language of gifts who was a narcissist in gift giving. I have met someone that gave gifts with an agenda and tried to manipulate me with them. As someone whose love language is gifts, I tossed every single one because they had no value whatsoever. He never tried to get to know me or what I would like. He didn't get gifts with me in mind.
Luckily for me my family all ride the line of minimalism. I enjoy that we can give gifts and appreciate each other with out it being the focus of a celebration. I think what's hard is when you have a significant other that gives gifts as a love language. It's a situation that brings forth unreasonable expectations, and pressure. They are anxious and excited, hoping that you will love what they got you. If it's not a well received gift, both people are left feeling bad.
yell at them...my daughter. she finally has gotten it...lol.
I gave them gifts cause that’s their language
I enjoy showing my affection through gifts, but I prefer when this happens outside of typical gift giving occasions. Someone's favourite chocolate bar, a trinket that reminded me of them or that I thought might be appreciated, or an item that I know they've been looking for. But I would never deliberately give someone something with the intention of hurting them. That's not a gift, it's an attack.
I love giving people gifts. It has come naturally to me ever since I was a child. I understand that in our society, things are so easy to come by, that we now buy everything we want. It makes me sad because I so enjoy thinking of something for someone that will make them feel special and known and loved. And if it is rejected, it can feel like they are rejecting that love. I know logically that isn't the intent, but it can feel that way. I give a little bit of myself with it.
Now toxic gift giving is something different. And so is gift giving out of obligation.
If we have everything we want, we no longer have anything to strive for and have left no room in our lives to let someone else have the joy of blessing us.
I am a person who's love language is gift giving and here's what I have to say. I am a child who loves showing that they care and remember the things that people like so when I see something that reminds me of them I get it. I hate receiving things, like even things I want. I think i'm wasting their money when I could buy it buy it for my self. When people try and pay me back I hate taking their money when it is what I got for them. I think that materialistic things capture so much in something we can see so it makes me happy.
I don't like getting expensive gifts. I got expensive gifts from my narcissistic mother to atone for her terrible behavior towards me. When someone gets me something expensive it makes me sick to my stomach because I feel they don't actually value me, they just want me to shut up and never ask them for anything I actually desire (quality time and physical touch.) Rarely do I want the thing that someone buys because it's not about me or knowing what I like. It's more about them and what they think I should be grateful for. It's frustrating because you end up feeling rude and ungrateful because you want them to return it and get their money back to use for something they need or want.
Correction, Giftgiving is not YOUR love language. Gift receiving is not YOUR love language!
Exactly. It is 100% a love language. It sounds like these guys are just ignorant as to what the gift giving love language is. There is nothing narcissistic about me feeling loved by someone giving me a pretty rock that they found 😂
The example they gave is not at all what this love language is. It’s not about the money. A meaningful rock, for example, will mean 100x more to me than say, a diamond necklace.
People really need to look into these things before so confidently arguing with them lol. It’s okay if gift giving isn’t their love language, but that doesn’t make it an invalid or narcissistic thing. The fact that they can’t seem to view gifts as anything but shallow proves that they don’t understand the concept, which means that they shouldn’t be “educating” people on it lol.
Thanks Josh and TK for giving my question some insight and helpful feedback!
For those who have said in the comments things such as only those who don't have gifting as part of their love language would think this etc, to clarify or give context, my question was based around my experiences with an in law and how they've used gifting as a way to control, manipulate and demean. For example, when I first got with my husband, there was a lot of anger because I'd "stolen" their son and brother in their eyes. It eventually turned into a situation where I was not in much contact with them but once I was expecting my first child, I was being flooded with items and threatened with "grandparent rights". My living room was literally filled top to bottom with items one evening and later on a bead by numbers portrait that the person makes themselves with the beads was given to me (beaded hedgehogs on gigantic frame for the wall). Of course, if you receive something you don't like it's usually polite and more courteous to say thank you and just rehome it after but I knew the intent was mean spirited because she said while laughing how this pattern yeah not the prettiest but was the only one left on Wish, haha! And then wanting me to decorate my child's nursery with it. Then she later came over with a second one with a different pattern, equally as large as the first. Some of the items she came with included 2 car seats whose safety warranty had lapsed in 2010. Last Christmas she spent 1k on a personalised number plate for my husband with a name of her choice. Prior to that she insisted we go shopping with him and she took him to the underwear area to make him think she was only getting him underwear for Christmas but she prior joked how he wouldn't want to go underwear shopping with his mother.
I feel there is often a lot of "love bombing" directed at my child in this space and competition in the sense that she wants to one up what mum and dad got and try and do better and give inappropriate things. Before becoming minamalist, I was always doing the "need want read Wear" type gift structure for my child anyway and now I'm focused more on experience gifting when gifting season comes round but the likes of relatives like these can very much undermine your efforts. I absolutely see the value in gifting intentional items of need or an experience and don't dismiss a gift given that adds value and comes from the heart, in fact I love that! And I always endeavor to give from the heart so it's very sad when people use gifts as a tool to manipulate and make others feel obligated or uncomfortable.
Another example is when I was first dating my husband she got him a few hundred dollars worth of vouchers for his favorite shop and then laughed about how she just got his twin sister $20 worth of junk from the dollar store for Christmas. So, I don't mean to say I don't appreciate gifts or that I don't appreciate it's the thought that counts. I agree that it's the thought that counts for most normal people but that there are some people among us who use gifts as a power play.
And they EXPECT a huge return on their ‘gifts’ and never let you forget. Respond with ‘thank you for the offer but I cannot accept it your kind thoughts are all I require’ 🙄. Gifts are often done for control and manipulation.
no, most of us don't want stuff in general. I am a child who's love language is gift giving. I give gifts to show I remember and care about the things they like. When people try to give me stuff or pay me back I get sad because I think that they feel bad when is quiet the opposite, I see something and think of them. It makes me happy seeing them happy.
gift giving is a love language the gift is a symbol of your love towards someone, its another way of saying I was thinking about you when I picked this for you. also you have to know a lot about the other person when you give them an appropriate gift there is some actual thought behind the gift. even little kids will pick flowers and give them to there mothers, gift giving is a universal love langue the French gave the united states the statue of liberty, gift giving is a grate way to strengthen relationships. we like giving if we are choosing freely to give, we don't like being forced to give that's manipulating.
Never heard of this before, and yet have experienced for most of my life from a family member. Gifts that come with ties and obligations. Makes me cringe to even think of it.
As others have said, Gift Giving is 100% a love language. Love Bombing and Narcissistic Gift Manipulation are not. The way he described gift giving as a competition is NOT the love language of Gift Giving.
Opting out of receiving a gift is acceptable no matter what form it comes in, and can be done respectfully.
Make it sound easy opting out is hard
I love giving gifts to friends but when I do I try to think about what they like.
Gift giving is a love language but it’s not a narcissistic thing of wanting expensive stuff. My best friend and I have the same love language so we do a “trade” of cool stuff we find like fruit or key chains every time we see each other.
In my family one year they talked about "drawing names". The catch being instead of buying many small gifts buy ONE $$$ gift instead. What they're saying is they want an expensive gift. I won't play these games.
Funny thing about that is if you talk to someone who truly has the love language of gifts, then they will tell you that a lot of little gifts mean a lot more than one expensive gift!
Gift giving is supposed to be to help others. Too many times we have been giving gifts out of manipulation and it is sickening. We have always been gift givers, but man it makes you think before taken a gift when there is a motive behind it. We won't accept gifts from new neighbors or coworkers because usually there has been a motive. Sad but true. Gifts are to lift others, but narcissistic giving is just plain gaggy. We won't take something unless we know someone well.
Well gift receiving is my love language. I was expressing my love language to my child and realized that their's was different than mine. I had to explain that that's the way I show and receive love. When they told me that their love language was quality time then I changed the way I expressed my love. The point of learning love languages is to enhance the expression of love that is alreay there between two people. When you love someone then you want them to be happy.
I feel like we give gifts in order to feel good that we are giving gifts and get gratitude
most profound 5 minutes of my day
So strange to hear my accent (New Zealand) against an American accent. Great clip:)
Haha, yesss as an Aussie, I noticed it also ❤
Me and my friends stopped giving gifts a few years ago and we just take each other out to eat for birthdays. I did have a family member use gift giving as a form of manipulation though and it was toxic.
I think the thought of getting someone a gift, if it's smth that's chosen because you knew they were looking for it/has wanted it for a while. I agree that it can get competitive tho, saying no to a narcissistic or spiteful gift is freeing :)
A gift can be a corporate gift or a gift of thanks or a gift of hand made is love for one another - it depends on what the message of the gift is as well - I prefer not to give gifts anymore as I would rather be taught what to buy - or buy what I love for myself and celebrate my achievements - CHEAP GIFTS - GET BINNED - SERIOUSLY FAKE CHANEL - GET STUFFED.
Again you tease us with Ryan's face on the header screen but he's not there!!😞 Though i notice you've had him do the end recording for the podcast which is a nice fresh change.
Explains what i had in mind
Unfortunately all too "family- air" with this.
One minute in and I'm so upset I'm not sure I want to listen. I hate it when people who don't have the Love Language of Gifts try to pretend they know what they are talking about. It is NEVER about the thing. It is always about the symbol behind the gift. The thought that says "I think about you when you are not with me. I think about you when you are with me. I care enough about you to get to know you and what you love." If you don't understand that, then don't talk about love languages!
He is right
Can you understand how physical touch when unwanted does not feel loving? Getting gifts for some people does not feel good. Especially when someone who says they love you gets you something that you really dislike-you can be left wondering if how they view you so differently than you are. Do they really love who you are or a version of you that they have in thier mind. It can be really hurtful if you’ve asked someone to stop.
@@Kincaid2576You're equating that with "physical touch", so are you saying that physical touch is also not a love language?
Love languages are supposed to be reciprocated. If their love language doesn't vibe with yours then it just wasn't meant to be. Stop trying to change people
Gift giving is the most nonsense love language and becomes even more foolish when people try to explain it as their love language 🥱
Where's Ryan? 🥺
He's been on vacation for like a month now
My grandmother has done this for years. When I moved to a new apartment with my old furniture, she told me my things were “too cheap”. One day she asks me to come with her to a furniture store for her to buy things (for her house) and tricked me, buying about 3k worth of things. I kept begging her please don’t buy this I don’t need it, and was crying because I knew this was not a genuine act of love, and she’d be dangling it over my head. The sales lady looked so shocked-her mouth was wide open while she saw me crying and very visibly upset at checkout. She looks me up and down and says, “I wish my granny would buy me furniture!” And getting a commission, she obviously didn’t refuse when I begged the saleswoman not to sell the furniture to her. As they delivered the furniture, I even asked the men not to do it-and they said they couldn’t ship it elsewhere or they’d get fired. Fast forward several years and I’ve cut all communication with her, my mother, and other toxic (narcissistic) family members (I’m the scapegoat)-and as for the furniture? Most has been either given away, sold, or donated. Glad to see this topic being addressed. Honestly that was a repressed memory seeing the title brought it all back. If anyone can relate, I encourage you to know this is not love it’s narcissistic manipulation and you’ll be happier cutting ties with these kinds of people.
There is nothing simple about this in my case :( Was given an apartment by my narc. grandma and she does not let my mum (her daughter) and grandson (a person with special needs) use it, but when I said I don’t want to stay in it when I come and visit family cause it makes me feel bad she went into narc. rage and fake threatened to sell it.