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Sometimes women (me early in my betrayal story) don’t want to “belong” to the group we are being invited into - a denial of the reality and a stubborn assertion of “this is not the life I envisioned for myself.” That being said, my tribes of betrayed wives have indeed been treasured sources of deep friendship, comfort, support, and community.

How do you calm your nervous system down? I feel this 100%. Exhausted and like my nervous system is constantly on fire.

is there a free couples summit in 2025?

Im sorry. I love this but at the same time where does persoanl responsibilty fit in here. This scares me with a narcissistic personality that is always making an excuse for every behavior. Including blaming thae partner. Whos to say it wont just give them license to say well i cant help it when it happens again. How is the partner ever to feel safe with this information

Black ooze analogy was spot on. My husband tried to fortify his addiction by compartmentalizing it. The thing is, a compartment full of destructive behavior can only hold so much. When overfilled, it's contents leak out and taint everything they touch within the relationship.

Not villainize the abuser? How about holding them accountable? Everyone is responsible for their actions. Someone who abuses and betrays are responsible for realizing the harm they cause around them.

This is absolutely fascinating!

Please stop tiptoeing around and coddling abusers. They make a choice to abuse. They make a choice to lie and deceive. They make a choice to not seek help. They make a choice to act out, FULLY KNOWING it is hurtful to others. Do we say people that murder aren’t “murderers”… they just have “murderous” tendencies? NO, they are in fact murderers, declared by their murderous actions, of … well… murdering people🧐 Call a spade ♠️ a spade! If some abused once, that’s a different story. Years and decades.. of destroying other people’s lives, children’s lives!! How come they don’t accidentally abuse people at work? Or the person they converse with at the grocery store? Or their friends? Because intimate domestic abuse is 💯 intentional. And it’s kept covert, so they can continue!

Amazing episode! I am a brain nerd and this provided so much valuable information! I am having a tough time getting on the Neurosolutions website. It seems to be down :(

Wow, what a great episode! I wish there were slides available with all the neuroscience info that was shared.

My addict died 10 years ago of alcoholism before I had a chance to heal. Long term friend great guy kind supportive patient great values loving willing to do whatever it takes to reassure me. But how do I let go of the trauma so it doesn't kill a new relationship?

This is my concern yes that the children were left behind. this topic is so important thank you

Is it possible to work with Jessica?

Disclosure statement. Impact statement for betrayed partner. Restitution/ pology letter from betrayer partner. Complete 90 days Celibacy. Talk about how to resume sexual intimacy, promoting feeling safe and honest.

about (34:29) Partner's Voices ruclips.net/video/UZnHGXo6sKU/видео.htmlsi=ugSRw18qX0uXDXO-

I want to know more. Great content.❤

Maybe try a more robotic voice at the start

Is there a name for a man who avoides sex at all cost?

Yeah frozen. I am so sad that what I believed wasn’t real. Incredibly sad yet still angry. Get over it right. It needed empathy and honest remorse. I don’t know that I’ve ever been truly loved now. How does your husband hurt you then mocks and disrespects you emotionally and then has days of kindness? How???? I am sad…. Angry and feel so unwanted. And I have definitely been intentionally hurt during all of this. Lying is abusive! Punishment is emotional abuse. I did know…. My body has always known! 😢 And yes!!! Dry drunk in addiction applies in porn and sex addiction!

Thank you!!!! ❤You guys are awesome!

I’ve have been kept in the dark with every bit of this, and I don’t feel his counselor is following the APSAT program at all. I feel it’s actually made it worse. 😢

Starts at 7;36

I love Tamara !!!! She’s my trauma coach! I really want to attend a workshop with dating ventures . I’ve called and left messages but not gotten a call back.

My WP refused all formal disclosure, with any counselor/therapist. It's been almost 5 months of safe spaces. He just can't get that sh!t out. It drips out like breadcrumbs.

We're in Oregon. Are there any polygraph people here you would recommend?

thank you for all this information, and these ideas, and for your care and mission - you are really helping me and (you know this) this is very important work - God bless you (you are doing His work, you are an instrument of His love) People... don't understand what betrayal is "like" - particularly maybe how the first phase is, and your videos have helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me, that my devastation and collapse is not itself somehow sinful. This is a big help for me.

This was fantastic! Where can we see the whole lecture please??

This is so good!!

Wow - great information! Thank you!

These two men are so important in my life right now. I would simply love to have real, face to face time with either or both of them. We are 5 months past D-day when I discovered my husband's PMO addiction. We've been married for 39 years and now, 30 of those years were lost to porn & masturbation and I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT. A 30 year sexual secret. Wrap your head around that. We've watched Jake's videos and Eddie's too, and have read Eddie's book Going Deeper. What we've uncovered is unresolved childhood issues, so rather than it being a "this big" problem, it is now beyond my scope to grasp it all. We're in Oregon and I really REALLY wish they were both closer . . . . .

What does that even mean "before or after disclosure"? What is disclosure? Don't you already know or have caught a spouse cheating before doing the polygraph? No idea what they're talking about there.

Wish I knew this 10 years ago I thought I was going mad I couldn't think past the next hour and couldnt make decisions about the future or discuss what had happened so people got angry with me; now I know thats because my broken brain wasnt processing the concept of time. This sort of therapy was not available to me. I can finally forgive myself for not being well enough to forgive my addicted partner before he died unexpectedly of his comorbid alcoholism. I have carried the guilt for 8 years now finally I have cried and let go of him with love. Thanks so much.

It will be fine. We're in this together, and will help each other through it. I love you, Will.

I saw both Jake and Cat at the 2024 Betrayal Healing Conference. Both were excellent there and they shine here as well. I made many useful clips from this episode that I'm sure will be helpful in the future.

The 12 step programmes give you the opportunity to review your past and hence reconstruct it in the light of the new information. That is a powerful tool.

The “forced historical review” explanation has been so helpful. You have talked about in other videos that discovery of betrayal/sexual addiction creates this disruption to our memories/past perception of what we thought was true of the relationship using the image of throwing out the files of the past onto the floor and trying to reorganize those files to create order and understanding has helped me understand this process. It has also helped me explain to my unfaithful spouse why I engage in this and how disruptive new discovery is. Each time I learn something new or discover that he was untruthful in disclosure, put me right back at square one of having those files dumped out and needing to be re-organized. I wish more unfaithful spouses could understand the need to be fully honest and truthful with initial disclosure. This constant Historical review and revision is exhausting and disheartening.

So good. Very validating

Thank you Jake for your message. I've just found this while looking for help. My husband and I are just 3.5 months post discovery of his (30 year) PMO habit. It has devastated me, destabilized our marriage (39 years) is causing awful mental and emotional pain and anguish. (Who can keep such an enormous secret for so long??) I tried looking for a therapist, but I can't seem to find anyone reasonably close to us. We're near Salem, Oregon. If you know someone in our area please reach out to me. We desperately need help. On your comments about 'length of time' when speaking of relationships that are rocked by betrayal, I would say that the length of time the betrayal took, ie, 30 YEARS of lies and secrets does have some impact.

Yes I am a heterosexual male and was badly betrayed.When are we going to stop hurting each other?

Thank you! This was wonderful to me!! I needed to hear it!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Dr. Jake, you have helped us in so many ways. After 30 years of Betrayal, I gave it everything I had in me and more, lost so much along the way, but today, I was ready to walk away. I knew I couldn't do this anymore. He has come a long way, but he still can not be open and honest with me, and he wants nothing to do with sex, which has been the rough spot throughout our entire relationship. This video is my last shot. I feel he will learn so much from this, and I pray this is the missing piece that we both need to listen to together. Thank you both for ALL you do for us. Bless you both! 🙏

What happens when your partner tells you that he just didn't care and knew very well what he was doing. What happens when they faked their recovery for many years and continued to lie?

Let's see what they do. Is so right. That's why I continually tried. My SA was arrested when I was putting down my boundaries I had set a transparency boundary. I flipped with his hidden phone and he flipped wanting me to do something from the betrayer and I said no way. He abused me and got arrested. What hurts me now is he had the nerve to brag to others about hurting me. That must mean he is too cold to ever care.

FYI Your organization’s focus appears to neglect betrayed male spouses.

So, another episode neglecting betrayed males?

I grew up with ASD traits struggling through this world. 2 of my 3 children are high functioning ASD. My ex-wife cheated with multiple people and married the last one saying the kids needed parents that loved eachother, kids are resilient, and we should do this when they're young. I wanted to save the kids and I loved her. Now 5 years later and co-parenting. She started to tell them that I made her cry and the new guy was so much better. Now the kids are in the middle. I have given it to God because His love won't fail me. Please pray for my children. They have a hard life ahead even with me as a leader.

I live in Portland. I wish I had known about this conference ... maybe the betrayal I just found wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would have. Maybe he would have come to understand how each of his betrayals effect me and stumbled first before sending that first text to an old betrayal partner. 💔

this is my mom everyone! go mom! 💪

I really wish the volume on this was not so quiet! It is hard to hear and the volume is maxed everywhere I can do that and it's still hard to hear. Sigh. THIS SUCH AND IMPORTANT TOPIC! Thank you so much Lisa Taylor for the work you are doing! And Dr. Porter for having this interview. More awareness on this topic is SO NEEDED!

Unless you have been betrayed you have no idea. Therapists are only in it for the money. Maybe if their partner betrays and leaves them will they have something to give. Probably not.