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You are not pathetic! You're loved!

are you ok?

are you there? please tell me you’re okay

Im so happy I’m not the only one who feels like this. I sometimes feel ungrateful for not listening to their half assed solutions…like let me pour my heart out without having you tell me that there are better ways to cope. I hate solutions and false promises on me getting better by doing said x y and z. In my opinion, the best way i deal with stuff is by venting, since i already have no one to vent to in the first place. Like, let me talk since theres no harm in doing that, is there? My mother just disregards any and all of my words and feelings, while my friend is always the one to intervene and think I’m over reacting. I just want to be and feel heard for once.

@@sple3ns when i would cry my mom would yell at me more telling me to shut up, traumacore is really relatable

@@Chii-n7n i honestly never knew i was going through any trauma before going back to my home country alone this summer. It was the first time i felt heard, my uncle and aunt would stay up with me in the middle of the night letting me pour all of my feelings out, even hugging me. It me realise how scared i am of interacting with others or doing basic things others do. My mother loves me but she think i have no initiative or respect. She listens to whatever complains my step douche has from me, and she blindly believes in all of them. She always screams at me, telling me to do better, when in fact my step dad just complains about small things. Leaving the door open or a light open in another room is enough to tick him off, he never talks to me so he never tells me shit, but he tells my mother, he loves getting her mad at me. Whenever i open up to her and tell her how much i hate him, she tells me to shut up and say that i should be grateful that he put a roof over my head… sorry for the long paragraph, it just irks me sometimes. So sorry to hear your mother disregards your feelings and wishes, its not an easy thing to go through

@@sple3ns im really sorry for you, i hope you'll get better... <3

Ok so I went to a daycare place, right? But it wasn’t a “daycare”, they taught us karate. I’d get picked up from elementary school and they’d drive me to their school, where my parents would then pick me up around 6-7:00 PM, after the class. It was really nice and peaceful until they got me to join their Demo Team when I was six. They then used that to get me to go every day. They would try to make the team the most important thing in my life, until i started neglecting my personal needs and mental and physical health. I could’ve told my parents to let me leave, but that was part of why I didn’t want to leave, because if I left the team, then I according to the instructors I would be disloyal and scared and weak and stuff. But it got to the point where I was constantly anxious and worried of making them even a little bit mad. They were VERY unpredictable, and could change moods really fast so I had to be able to closely monitor everything they did so I could predict it. They would yell at my friends and stuff in front of me and it scared me a lot.. keep in mind I was like 5-11, a little too fragile for that to not affect me lol The instructors said I was weak whenever I messed up, they’d say there’s no such thing as accidents. Only dumb mistakes that I wouldn’t have made if I had been stronger or better. They guilt tripped us a lot over the years. “Oh, people who leave are weak!” “Oh, if you quit, you’re a disloyal follower with no sense of determination”, etc. Yk, normal stuff adults should say to kids. at the end of six years of whatever tf that was, when i was 11, I’d almost attempted suicide cuz of all that time of pretending it was normal and suppressing 90% of my emotions so I wouldn’t be called weak. The instructors never let us get water during class, but if they did let us, we’d have to do 10-100 push-ups afterwards because apparently if we’re not gonna be mentally strong, we might as well be physically strong. So being allowed to get water during class with no consequences was a really rare opportunity. There was a belt level at the end that was like really respected- you could only earn it when you die while in the program. I thought I had to get it or I was a bad person by both their and my own standards. I feel bad about feeling bad though, because I had it the best compared to everyone else. I was one of their favorites because I never fought back, so I didn’t get as much outright yelling and rough treatment. But I got to watch my friends get screamed at. I got to watch disabled kids essentially get treated like animals. I got to watch three year-olds scream and cry and nobody could help them without doubling the consequences. There are a few locations around the state I live in, and the whole organization is owned by one guy. He’s like the leader, he wrote some books or whatever and we practically worshipped him. If anyone spoke badly of him, they’d get yelled at and have to sit alone for the rest of the day. If someone did something wrong, they’d be given “a look”, told what to do instead, etc. Like a normal teacher. If a toddler wasn’t standing still, they’d usually just be held still. If someone of a higher rank was particularly disobedient, they’d have to sit on the tile floor off to the side for the rest of the day without water or a chance to socialize, just watching everyone else have class and play and talk. Every day we’d have to go into these locker rooms and we’d have to get changed in front of other people. It doesn’t sound that bad, but it was super awkward and embarrassing and made me super uncomfortable every time. Sometimes there would be a 3 y/o who wasn’t standing still so the instructor would just put the kid into a dark empty room and lock him in there for the rest of the day 😐. We had to go the whole class listening to the poor kid bang on the door and scream and cry cuz he was hungry or thirsty and the instructor just ignored him until his parents came to pick him up at the end of the day they’d try to control our lives outside the program, too… they’d make sure we always had good grades at school, and they’d give us long, time-consuming things to practice at home. They’d schedule tournaments and competitions only weeks in advance and expect us to prioritize it over everything going on in our lives. I joined when I was 5, I left when I was 11. Since about a month before leaving, I’ve been really suicidal and messed up for some reason but I feel like I’m overreacting. My therapist says it was a cult but I think she’s overreacting, I would’ve known if it were a cult and I would’ve left earlier if it were actual abuse, right..?

@@parrotparade2562 I can't help you with tips, but I can tell you that leaving abuse is a hard thing to do. If you left earlier, later or at all, it would still be abuse. Controlling your personal life, locking kids in rooms without necessities like food or water, all that is not okay. I wouldn't go as far as to call it a cult, but it's definitely close. From my experience, you can't consciously forget something as traumatic as this. People tend to keep memory of trauma that happens during peak childhood. You are not overreacting. You went through some crazy stuff. I hope you get better, parrotparade.

@@melonoctoling thank you so much, I appreciate it and I hope you’re doing well :D

It doesn't matter how much you try to explain it, you'll always will be an egoistic and narcissistic asshole who just thinks about themselves and doesn't care about the others.

So I guess he should just apologize then

Yeah, why do you think I'm homeless

I also went through COCSA I hope your ok

I'm another COCSA survivor. I wish you all the best in your healing... <3

want a virtual hug bby!🩷?

@@Hikkichansandesu yes please

im sorry, my baby. Im a stranger but i love you deeply, i know this trauma has left a cut on you but remember, keep living life, alright? i don't want that bad man to be a barrier from all of the stuff a child or a human does like going to school, being productive and having friends. Being sa'd doesn't mean its the end of your life, i was once too. I know your in a rocky road currently but i promise it'll be alright, i love you! keep living, my baby! im proud of you 🫶

I hope u have the brightest future :)

@@Idkstuff_lmao thanks...You very nice :D

@@nilsimulator5525 Yw!! Ur nice 2 :3

@@Idkstuff_lmao aww thanks! Stop being sweet you make me so smiley :D

@@nilsimulator5525 Yw again!! Lol, I'm glad i make u smile. I'm sure ur smile is very pretty / charming :3

hey, i experienced that last year and i know how it hurts to love someone even more than we love ourselves, but if you allow me to give you an advice, id tell u to try taking care of urself and keeping distance from her (if its possible), like stop stalking her social media and stuff cause the best way to get out of an emocional dependency is forgetting her or trying it until u get todo it. i did that and its been abt 1 year i dont talk to my ''ex'' ,and i feel better now. i remember all we lived and now it doesnt hurt so much, cuz i can see everything with kinda other eyes. try to focus on urself and its NOT ur fault, no matter what happened, dont feel guilty for loving someone, its ok to fall in love and it happens to all of us everything will be ok at the end <3

<3 suicide <3 xoxo at least u were here to be person and things do you did! You did feel! Ate food Starbucks! Much wow such warm bliss x.x

You can’t people love you and deep down you know you love you to I may not even know you but I love you it’s not worth taking away years of bliss for a few minutes of pain I know it hurts right now but you will get through it because you are strong and you are loved I know it hurts and it feels like a black void that you can’t crawl out of but you can I believe in you I promise it will be ok no matter how much it hurt it will be ok I promise.

@@Emo_zeldaxXprinceXx hey maybe we shouldn't promote suicide :)

we love u too

I am so so sorry to hear you're dealing with this. I would usually try to give some advice but I'm still trying to find the answers after two psyche ward trips and the damage ive done to my relationships. if I could give advice, id say definitely listen to your body. where does it hurt the most when you feel that way? massaging those pressure points might help during a bad time. square breathing does work, but for me personally its just weirdly hard to do it. I just hate trying to relax when I want to explode, but I cant break old coping mechanisms with wishes alone, im afraid. its so hard trying to forgive yourself when you see how easy it is to slip back and lose everyones trust again. and its life's cruel joke that forgiving yourself is the only real way to learn from your mistakes. I'll finish my rant here but I'm genuinely wishing you and your loved ones the best. <3

@@maggies.2037 ty <3

I think you should get therapy, and you should apologize to your siblings:) don’t blame yourself, you deserve to be happy, and you are a good person ^^

@@elise.ch4nn thank you <3

I’m sorry:(( u do deserve love and apology’s. You deserve to be happy, I care abt you<33

you will ALWAYS deserve an apology, you didnt do anything wrong<3

You are not just a object to show off you are a amazing person a person that has been through a lot and deserves a rest you may be plagued by bad memories but you can replace them with better ones that make the pain hurt a little less he does not deserve to plague your mental space it is your and only yours keep it clean and happy

thank youuu!! <33

Epik

I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that at all people will love you and not in a disgusting way <3 You deserve the world ily

I can't say your life will change tomorrow or it might be better when I say so... but, you're brave, you've been holding this a long time, am I right? You're strong because you're still here.... and I have faith that you are able to get help... but you know, help won't appear in front of you until you decide to seek it.

@@CyzarusAlexandrovich oh my god ily (platonically) this means a lot to me youre awesome sauce tysm

you deserve better attitude, i hope you will be okay

@@Hi_fRIendSsS tysm man:(