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They’ll still have sex with you tho… just don’t expect eye contact 😒

In Germany I spent decades searching for help they cane me with CBT and it's all my fault but i kept bouncing from one narcissistic relationship to the other. This victim blaming it's the rhe worst, they forced me in the clinics to see insulting snd toxic ppl outside as just normal I should engage in talks wirh them when i was terrorized of being insulted, scapegoated, gaslighted or punished again. I just slowly realize they know nothing about the fact that disorganized attachment is actually a relational trauma in the first place and it stays so It's not i see dangers everywhere, i was abused sexually verbally scapegoated as adults too why play ot down all to the childhood only? They make it easy to blame and conceal the reality that many disorganized attachment ppl are in toxic environments for real... spent years with studying all sbout narcissism and now i don't worry anymore i can read them so good they display some patterns like my parents like parallels I also think we dont have to forget that most ppl dont have 100% disorganized attachment, i have a mix of all, so 40%, meaning not all have borderline wirh this attachment, you might have a tendency to it by 40% Why German psychologists retraumatize it's because you cant heal this with CBT and because they dont support you in setting boundaries and following through with them with real toxic ppl. So they fail to establish safety. Outward safety is absolutely needed or you'll never recover as you'll stay dependent from the abussive partners. Only once you created outside safety you can slowly let down your guards and create inner safety. It's never the other way around! Then you learn to build self-trust, self- compassion and self-love... First time i felt loved was never in a relationship, but when i knew i can stand up for myself any time, that's sel-love , you put yourself first and over validation and others judging you The urge to control ppls reactions and behaviors is codependency and bad. Only now with this out of the way, i can face my fears and for them you need other approaches. Why fears and CBT might not work out with single one, is not because it's the mind wrongly keeping us safe, it's also oversensitiveness to rejection, ADHD, depression involved, trauma responses. I can silence the mind with meditation, not react, for example but i feel still vulnerable and don't particularly enjoy spending too much time with others

Powerful explanation of this behavior! Thank you

I have no idea what you're talking about. And I am supposedly one of these people.

I feel the same way”ick” the strongest as a DA when I feel smothered by someone who can’t give me space

Excellent way to put it Dr.! After 12 years with my wife and kids and now me being aware of our attachment styles (she doesn't know yet), I can say that I have seen this "opening up" transformation occur with her. But I would say that she has only healed about 10-15%. She is still very Avoidant, doesn't like lovey-dovey and 95% is all about her her her.

Feeling an ick is not entirely a bad thing. Just communicate to your partner that what you are not comfortable with. This way your partner won't be blindsided by unrecognizable reaction you give to their affection.

Introjections are the curses they inject into your mind and you absorb them into your unconscious. Negative introjection come from dysfunctional families.

This is exactly what my husband did when we started dated. Instead of judging and criticizing me, he asked me questions about my behavior. "Why do you do that? I'm just curious." It really helped heal me and stop my behavioral patterns. It also sent me on the journey of understanding attachment styles.

I've been there where I can regulte myself it takes time but I get there. Ans I'm so damn proud of it😊

Please point me to research that shows how secure attachment is developed in children and is there a common denominator with the parenting strategy of a secure child

just knowing that I like someone can feel kind of scary to me

In my case it is real. Toxic pattern of destructive ppl. I learned to listen to fears they are your friends, ask them what they want to tell you

I'm still working on my bounding type but it's innegociable for me, I hard hard on myself and sex addicts or communication or bounding unable men I do feel putty for them as an empath but I can't rescue them nor is it my job to do that. On the other hand, secure attached ppl often reject those with some attachments wounds and don't see that even my current stage is a progress...they have to have tolerance and patience too, without these 2 may they be secure, it won't help you. Change takes years so judging on that is I don't know insensitive

I'm 43 and currently have no friends and I never had a non-toxic or non- abussive relationship, last year I ended up at court. With 2 narcissistic and addictive parents I am doomed to stay stuck. Only thing I can do is constantly check on trust traits, self trust a written list can work wonders. I often knew they were narcissists but to cut off 40 years long is so inhumane hard, especially when you are 40 and are really wanting to settle down or have a child...Go to narc summits and get a written Guide whom to trust believe me otherwise it's in vane. I do t realize this in the moment happening, I really need to do this inventory and answer these questions or I won't ever leave...The positive thing about it, yes you can learn to detect and protect yourself, the negative aspects -times if loneliness, no good friends, and tapping more into avoidance as it's first from one extreme to the other until you balance this out with practice. You can walk away, cut off, set boundaries and have an escape plan as many I attracted didn't respect my boundaries. For females, never let men in your house, not even male friends of yours, when it goes down to court, it's all about who has the best lawyer, more money and you'll have no witnesses. Of course, they say same rights etc. Well it's not true no one can protect you except you alone , the system will fail you Lastly, I don't have friends now because they didn't approve of some very important of my life decisions, they judged on me and talked me out of it or tried to. It was my choice to leave them, I rather focus on my hobbies than have such type of friends. Friends come and go and that's for sure

I stay tf away from them… I will never grace my presence around someone who is disgusted by me foh.. stay away

Do you have vids on healing anxious attachment?

It’s very selfish

Amen!

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Dissmissive avoidant or Philophobic is a mental disease. Because it affects the nervous system is why it's a mental disease.

You are wrong. I do intentionally try to hurt myself.

Great intro expression 😂😅

Thank you for this video definitely needed it!

Thank you ❤

Emotional triggers: 1) when I feel patronized 2) when people say something and then gaslight saying that never happened 3) when I feel that the person tries not to build me up in a relationship or doesn’t support me enough (because I am very empathic and build everyone up around me)

perfect!

i'm incredibly claustrophobic. it's like that feeling

Thank you so much. Yes, it could be helpful cause as you said sometimes we make a lot of assumptions and they might not always be right..

2:34 If you are in a PP relationhip with yourself..........Hummm I have to investigate

Asking questions is something i have to learn with time instead of Making assumptions on my own but the Problem here is also wether i could trust what my Partner say or not..there is also the Problem with trust issue on my side so how can i trust my partner more that they are honest with me ?

But isn't this what we naturally do? The problem with that is it leads to isolation because everyone is unsafe. You need to get comfortable with being vulnerable and realise that the world will not end even if that relationship doesn't turn out well. Learning to walk away from bad relationships requires you to first be brave enough to enter into relationships which already to people with this attachment style feels unsafe.

I enjoy your humor real big. I'm halfway through affect regulation, it's heavy so sitting long with it is a lot sometimes and I'm also halfway through Van der Kolks book and a few others, reading them on rotation. Your info has been a reality shifter in my life. Not actually in a better place bc I didn't realize I was beginning trauma work in an unsafe living situation but I've really gotten into and been astonished with my subconscious scripts and things like limerance, fantasy relationships (Idk if I know anyone at all that I don't have a false image of, each time it's revealed like I "know" someone is empathetic and kind then they kick me in my most vulnerable moment and out of nowhere go on a harsh and unfounded smear and stomping campaign 😅 *that example is obviously a real and painful current experience*, i realize the image I made up of them was more fantasy and reality doesn't seem to be my forte). I opened many wounds and am raw af while living in a salt mine apparently and finding it incredibly difficult to get financially free from my family who scapegoated and helped me form this wonderful disorganized attachment in the first place. Each interaction sends me into a lengthy dissociative state intertwined with grieving and rage. Anyway, no matter where I'm at with working through and understanding all of this finally after 37yrs trying to figure out why I'm "broken" and how to fix it, finding a few key folks like yourself who graciously educate for free online has saved my life. Haven't gotten "through" it all yet but the issues finally make sense and (another teacher used this phrase that I love although I don't think it's original so I'm not gonna put it in quotes) effective treatment follows the correct diagnosis. I've seen many mental health professionals since before my age was in double digits and the first thing I've shared all these years is basically the definition of a childhood that would create a disorganized attachment and I usually get antidepressants and CBT (bro I'm a philosophy major, I got that) and create better habits type of "advice". Like yea but that doesn't help me unravel the reason I try to keep from getting into relationships but give in to ppl that pursue long enough to convince me they are super trustworthy, humble, good guys then one day after I really commit, it turns out I'm literally with someone that will eventually abandon me in all the ways that matter but freak out if I start to physically remove myself (entitled to my physical presence but unwilling to care about my internal world) and at some point literally take me prisoner and make threats and/or take action on my life. I got bigger issues than not drinking enough water!! Not some big ego claim here, it's really just sad and I hope something is done about it one day, but I've been better educated than any of the (hopefully just "bad apples"?) head docs I've seen, introduced them to materials I would like to think would be part of getting their license and basically put further into victimizing situations bc "I need to see things from the others perspective" when the other is abusing me and I just didn't understand the things that were hurting me (not physical violence- stuff like emotional manipulation) were actually abuse. Ok that's my ramble lol sorry it was long and would probably qualify me as unresolved disorganized on the AAI...lol and Accurate. Give us some more content Doc! Where ya at?!

Yeah but what if I can't fight the feeling that they are lying to me? If I have noticed their actions prove that they do not care about me as much as I care about them. What then?

Defense mechanisms. Being a spelling nerd is probably one of mine. I just want to be helpful!

Pulling away and verbally lashing into the other person most viciously. 😢

Confused! Who’s asking these questions, the avoidant or their partner??

The speed of this realization is interesting.

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How do you respond to a patient who is insisting on asking for tools for regulating emotions or learning to assert himself or whatever else? Thanks

COVID was AWESOME

I got named! So accurate. So precise.

As a person that others think that I don’t have any “shame” emotion. I finally understand that I DO feel shame but in the second child’s way (also the same behavior in that way) And others around me all experienced third or second+third example. Thanks for your video!

When I try to push through the ick I get very irritated and angry when people try to connect with me. It’s not something I can control and it becomes about being a good person when I leave so I don’t hurt them…

Thank you for these videos. They are very well explained 👏

I almost think, at times, I’m unorganized or messy to purposely punish myself. I really don’t know why, perhaps it’s linked to my chaotic, abusive childhood. When I feel there’s a lot to be done, I’m overwhelmed, disappointed I just won’t eat even if I’m hungry. I feel I deserve nothing. Growing up everything had to be an exact way. I’m sure something is wrong mentally, I just don’t know what besides anxiety and depression.

This is wrong when you describe "good or bad" it's safe or unsafe, available or unavailable, capable of showing compassion and consistency or rejection. The good bad split may be the origin of their attachment confusion from black and white messaging in caregivers. The answer is to resolve the black and white all or nothing messaging and showing consistency in acceptance, assertion towards connection, availability, openess, honesty and boundaries. Trust takes time and replacing stored body memories of enmeshment, ambivalence, abandonment, rejection, neglect. Hypocrisy, bonding that they trusted and lost leading to embodied hopelessness

I have started to say to my wife. We are not your enemy or we are not enemies. we are here to listen and support

The avoidant needs to make the changes more importantly... but they cant😮

Obsessing over collecting more information is often a noble form of procrastination. Plus, while it’s important to understand the essence of it, identifying and self labeling with a behavior is inherently limiting